did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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