last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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