Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I will pee on everything he values.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
