I can text with my tongue
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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