He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I will pee on everything he values.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
