When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
