i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
