he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
