everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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