I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I am midnight drunk by noon
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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