All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
