i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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