He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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