Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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