I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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