My friends, they love my intelligence
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize