I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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