oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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