my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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