i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
