I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
