he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
