So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
