I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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