I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
