I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
