Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
