im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
