the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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