operation harelip BJ is a go
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize