We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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