I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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