Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
