OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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