yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
