Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
