her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
