I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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