No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
