Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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