Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
They are going to name an STD after you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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