My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize