Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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