my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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