I met the friendliest cop last night
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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