Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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