it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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