Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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