She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize