I haven't been this sober since birth.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
