I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
