i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
