On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
