Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
