I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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