i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
