Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
