i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
