Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
