I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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